Sunday, May 22, 2011


Alice back to the story. This is just another random story of mine. If you think you'll find yourself unsatisfied when reading it, then stop it and close your browser.

I did not know when this warm feeling had started. But what surprising me the most was Dave sit beside me, right beside me. Looking at me with gently puppy eyes. I could feel his sorrow, his loneliness, his confusion. Those eyes... even they looked so suffered, but the warmness cut through my eyes gently. Yeah, they were the eyes of Dave - Dave I used to know years ago.

I stood up and was about to go, because I knew it wouldn't last forever. I had decided since the last time I met him that I would not let my heart in pain anymore. I should let go off Dave forever, I should go away from his life, I should disappear from his memory...

But no matter how much I tried, I always lost. It looked like my heart was still in his side. I could not forget him, I could not erase every single memory of him carved in the deepest heart of mine, and I could not let go off him.

It was such a guilty pleasure. I knew I should not be happy even when Dave was only half meters behind me, but my heart pounded unconsciously. I had to treasure this moment because I knew it would never happen again in my lifetime.  

Suddenly Dave wrapped me from behind, very tightly and gently... as if he did not want me to go. I was so surprised but I could not even hide that I was so happy right now. God, please stop the time... let me beside him a little more. 

"Wake up, Alice. He's not yours... he's not yours..."

A voice come from my heart reminded me to stop.  I knew, I truly knew he was not even mine, but couldn't I stay like this a little while? I desperately ignored it. I would not care about everything. I would not care about his fiancee nor my wounded heart. As long as I could enjoy this moment, I willingly exchange with anything.

"Dave?" a woman voice that came from nowhere suddenly heard. He immediately released me and stayed me away. 

Not only Dave who was in a big shock, I was trembling looking what's in front of my eyes. Yeah, the one who called him before was Renata Smith, his fiancee. 

I saw him walking towards her and hugged her tightly, very tightly and intimately. I leaned myself on the white wall and slowly tumbled down. Tears rolled down from my eyes. Dave did not even notice me anymore. I even should see the unwanted scene of them; they were kissing each other as if they completely forgot that I was still here, as if the world just made for them.

I hold my chest, it was aching. I deserved this, it was the price I should pay for not listening to my heart's warning. My tears did not seem to dry. I cried in silence, I cried for my stupidity for falling for someone whom I should not. 

That painful scene suddenly vanished as the white fluorescence blinded my eyes. I opened my eyes and finally realized that was only... a dream.

I woke from such a long sleep with my breath panting. What I saw before was only a dream - yeah, a dream. I sweated quite a few, feeling my hearts bit rapidly. I accidentally touched my cheek, it was wet. I did not know whether I should feel relieved or anxious. That dream seemed so real.

It had been three months I never dreamed about Dave since our last meeting at his engagement party. We barely had a call for those time beings. It was me who preferred not to get too involved with him. The excuse was simple, I just wanted to neutralize my feeling and heal the open wound. Yeah, I acted too much whenever around him - I was actually a really good actress and he was a very demanding director.

My day was about to begin. As usual, I completely clueless about what should I do everytime I opened my eyes while people started the day with breakfast they ate and hurriedly went to office. More than a year had I been graduated from college, but I still had not gotten any job. It was not like I was too lazy to get the job nor my family was affluent already, my unluckiness - total unluckiness - caused me into the situations. It was even countless how many company had I applied and how many psychology test and interview had I attended. If I was about to list them on my notes, I thought I would find such a long-failure-list. Oh and just so you know, I was not from the affluent family. I only had a working-hard-mom who always pushed herself to fulfill our daily needs while my dad had been passed away eleven years ago.

I found myself really useless. What a useless human being. I was not even able to ease my mom's ordeal instead of always burdening her. Really, I wanted this condition would over soon. But again and again, everytime I had chances to follow the recruitment tests, I always failed in the different phase. What hurting me the most was the latest recruitment process I followed. So it had been my dream company since I was a child. I had been given the chance to take part until the last stage - but I should fail miserably. Now I did not know where to sail my ship again.

My love life was not even better. It looked like my heart still tightly clung to someone I should not love. Yeah, he was Dave, my engaged best friend. What could I expect from someone who was engaged? What could I expect from someone whom his heart not even for me? 

I saw myself on the mirror. I barely knew who was the girl who stared back at me? A woman whose eyes lost the light of hope. She looked unbelievably pathetic and thinner with eye bags clearly seen on her face.

"Is it really me? How creepy..." I asked to myself. I barely watched my appearances recently since that harsh rejection from that company. "How can I even get a boy friend of I stay like this?"

Actually I did not even care about boys things lately.

(to be continued)

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