Days passed, but I'm going nowhere. Everyday's just the same, black and white, sometimes blue and gray.
When people try to pursue their dreams, what am I doing?
I'm here, waiting for something I don't even know when it will come. Just waiting and waiting.
World knows waiting is the most wasting thing in this life. But some say, waiting isn't really bad as long as we have faith on it. In other words, "Patience Trial", how long the person can bear with it.
Pressures come from anywhere, anyone, and anything. If I had no patience at all, maybe I'd give up already. I'm trying not to regard what my heart feels. I'm always pretending that everything is okay.
But, I try to ask my heart in this short conversation bellow. M abbreviated from "Me" and H is "My Heart".
M : Hey, are you okay right?
H : Yeah, I'm o- *silent*
M : ... why *startled* ?
H : Can I cry?
M : *gasped and silent*
H : Can... I... ? *tears filled her eyes already*
M : Please... don't. *trying hard to bear my tears from rolling down*
H : The pressures come from anywhere and anyone.. Even someone you trusted the most before, start to look you down.. How can I stay strong and pretend that everything's okay?! *shivering*
M : *sigh painfully* Well, then... Just crying...
H : Is it okay? *look at me curiously and pity*
How about you? You'll cry too, won't you?
M : I won't.
H : Stupid. Then you'll be trying to stay strong as if everything went well?
M : By doing so, will it any better?
H : *head down* You've hurt too right?
M : I'm badly hurt! *yelling but keep trying not to shed a single tear*
H : So... Why?
M : Why? If I cry too, then who will try to lift myself up? I'll only worsen everything!
H : *silent* *tears started falling from her eyes*
M: It's okay, Heart. You're the one who needs to spill those tears.You're injured more than I am. So, it's fine... *sadly smile*
Then I lend my shoulder to her. She leans her head and sobbing.
H : Every time I cry, you always beside me. Then every time you cry, who is beside you?
M : *smile gently* No one, but God does.
H : Your friend?
M : *silent then sigh* I used to it, months ago. I used to cry in front of him, but indeed that's just making me weaker and weaker. Always depended on person and it seemed like emphasizing me that I could do nothing. And... I regretted it. *crossing mind to the past*
H : *stop crying but still sobbing without sound*
M : Somehow I wished, if only I'd never met him, maybe my life would've been better. But... *sigh*
Do you ever really think why God sent someone to our life? God did it on purpose, even it hurt eventually.
H : You're tough.
M : Not at all. It's all just my charades. I'm fragile indeed. I'm really unreliable, sucked, dependable, crybaby... Every time I tried hard to be a good friend that would never bother my best friend. But I failed, all I did just non sense. I even didn't get any credit for my attempts. Yeah, I wasn't like them who always made him happy. I was just such a stubborn, reckless, and lazy human being. Less attempt for everything I pursued, lack of desires, tough-less. But I just had narrow mind that time. I always thought how to be a good friend for his sake, not for me personally. Sometimes I preferred hurting myself than hurting him. Maybe I was just too much...
H : Now everything seems so upside down..
M : Yeah. I have just realized that I've done something I shouldn't. But sacrificing isn't too bad right occasionally?
H : Masochist. And the one who injured the most is me. I've been disrupted since then, and you kept degrading me on and on.
M : *smile genuinely* Sorry. That's why I asked you to cry..
H : So, what will you do from now on? Your life is in a critical period right? It's clearly written on your face, you don't even have any goals for your future. You don't know what kind of work you should into it, and still, keep guessing who will be your spouse later.
M : Yes, actually, those questions keep spinning in my head. Living a life without purpose is not different from sailing boat without direction. We may get lost in times. I am right now similar to it. All I'm doing just imagining and wishing if my life will be better soon, without doing anything. Daydreaming all day long, having nightmare every time I sleep. Everyone keep figuring out how tomorrow will become, but I'm not. I just feel, even tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, or next week, I will still in my state, living my life plainly without a single color. Black and white, and I feel really suck right now. Everyday I have to listen and answer heart-widely what people might think about me. Really miserable.
*We both silent. I wanna cry a river, these things really hurt me more than ever. More than a heartbreak agony. It feels like all burdens come down into one. But still, I can't cry*
H : Your future is right before your eyes, you have to through it optimistically. Look at those disabled, they can't do everything they want due to their disability. Walking in a wheelchair, they can't move as freely as they want. Some of them have difficulties of speaking, seeing, or even breathing. They even afraid to face tomorrow. What if when they open their eyes, their body worsen? What if they can't open their eyes again once they try to close it? You have a healthy complete body, that's a God gift. You shouldn't surrender early. You just have to try hard a little bit more to achieve what you've been dreaming and be more grateful. They are not as lucky as you who can freely move, speak properly, and do many things independably. They often thought, why should be me? But nothing they could do, fate chose them. You have choice, they didn't. You have unlimited future, they didn't. But in one case they're better than you, they never give up on living their life although they have many limitations.
M : I really want to cry indeed, because of my foolishness. I ignore my life, I let my days passed in vain. I'm healthy but I don't live my life faithfully. I feel like I'm sucker than they are...
H : So, would you stand up and stop complaining about how miserable you are?
M: I wish..
H : Just wish?
M: Hey, I thought you're the one who need some supports! But, I'm weaker than you apparently.
H : If you, the one who owns me, are not strong enough to continue living, how about me? The most fragile part of your body?
M: *head down* I'm trying...
H : So, let's find your purpose of living and stop torturing me!
M: *finally smiling* I will :)
H : By the way, one thing you have to keep in mind, your life is not as narrow as you thought. You can look it from many points of view. Then about the one who used to be your biggest agony... try to let go off him wholeheartedly. You'll find someone better in the end. Trust God, the greatest creator of our life!
M : *smiling* Thank you, Heart.
H : Then you owe me...
M : What? *smirking*
H : Promise me you'll never try to kill me with your heartbreak agony about that guy again!
M : *grinning* Yes, I promise.
H : Well then, go back to your life. If you break your vow, then I will not forgive you!
M: Yes, ma'am :D
From the conversation with Heart, one thing I should know is, my life now like a white plain canvas. I can put any colors into it. Red, green, yellow, pink, purple, blue...
Yeah, this is my life. I won't let anyone interrupt it. No matter what people say, I have to continue on living and pursuing my dreams.