Once in the Afternoon...

My mom planned to go visiting my uncle who's being hospitalized. She asked me to go as well.

Mom : This afternoon I'd like to go visiting your uncle.

Me   : Ah ~ Aye...  (Without turning away from the vegetables I was cutting out)

Mom : You come along with me as well 

Me   :  Me w-what?  . Ah. Can't I just stay at home? I really have no plan to go somewhere today. You surely know the weather don't well friended with us 

Mom  : Why? You have to go, literally! 

Me   : Ah~ 

I just took a little sighs. NOOOOO!   I wouldn't go anywhere today! Besides, maybe I had personal reason for not coming there .

Trying hard to find the way in order to stay at home, I've tried to go sleeping , but instead the blackout was happening. The weather was too much unfriendly so my plan for sleeping was totally failed .

In the afternoon, soon after my mom came home from our food stall, she dressed up and made up herself. Before she asked me for the second, I initiated to tell her about my unwillingness for going.

Me   : Mom, I think I'm not going 

Mom :  Why?

Me   : No personal excuse 

Mom : NO! YOU HAVE TO! 

Me   : Sorry, mom. I decline

My mom was given up. Yeah, I won! . But that's not a case. Seems my mom got so annoyed on me . She didn't talk to me when going back then .

Why mom, Why? . I just thought that I'd be better at home. I knew you're kinda afraid what might they say about me but who cares anyway  

Actually, I don't have personal grudge against them. I just kinda disrespect. I know I know it's bad getting back our disrespectful in sort of condition. I know I'm really stubborn-cold hearted girl-alike , but swear, I don't intend to do so . What's so matter about my absence? Have they ever mind their other niece or nephew but me? .

The answer is a big NO. 


Well, well, I also feel bad indeed, letting my ego on top of everything . What make it worst is I've promised already to be a good person 

Ah~ah well. In the other occasion, I'll be a GOOD person . Promise!

Okay then, see ya in the next post! 

Recent Activities of a Happy-Go-Lucky Jobless Girl!

Konnichiwa! 

Today I'm going to tell you what kind of activities that the no-job-girl  does in her daily life.

Well, recently I'm much more active in Detective Conan World, wonder why? 

Yes, maybe I'm already passed 20 (mostly the member under 20  ) and it makes me bit too old 

But, they're so welcoming to me! They even didn't suppose me older than most of them  It's really really making me more and more convenience 

I well-friended umm... I mean I can get deal nicely with some of them. . They are Officer Kaoko or Kaoko-chan (well, she's sooo nice person), Shuichi Akai - what's his name actually? Err... Lemme think... Once I've found out that his name is Christian -- So sorry, can't remember his actual name well , Detective Gin - As our Hokage in Naruto World Club - He's a kind guy , Saviour - Yes, yes, though he's bit sarcastic at first , but lately I can keep up with him . Any other? Actually ya. But mostly I interact with them, not so often though 

Other activities? 

Doing many things in common, such helping my mom cutting out the vegetables and stuff, ironing, washing, browsing, blogging, checking twitter from my touchscreen ~ oh how could you be so cocky? , learning Japanese, playing with my niece, or even hanging out with my high school friend   !

Hmph. What a boring daily activities. You've graduated from your bachelor but you only do such things? 

Literally ya since I have no job . Everyday I hope my day would be more colorful, but it just hasn't happened to me yet 

My love life story has no difference. I'm still waiting for the princess charming  to come and rescue me from this kinda suck stuff 

Well then, see ya on another post 

In Love?

Falling in love is somehow beautiful. It makes us the happiest person in the world. But is that really so?

Walaupun pengalaman gw sangat minim di dunia percintaan, tapi gw juga pernah ngerasaan apa yang namanya 'in love'. 

Ya, jatuh cinta emang manis. Apalagi saat dia ada dideket gw. Rasanya pengen banget waktu berhenti berputar. Tapi disaat yang bersamaan, muncul sifat-sifat negatif dalam diri gw. Semisal, saat jatuh cinta gw jadi lebih ringkih, emosi sangat labil. Sedetik ketawa, sedetik marah-marah, dan sedetik nangis. Bahkan yang paling parah adalah rela menomorsatukan si dia ketimbang sahabat-sahabat gw yang lebih butuh keberadaan gw.

Gimana pun juga, gw kangen masa-masa itu. Gw kangen ngerasa deg-degan saat ada didekat orang yang gw suka. Akhir-akhir ini perasaan gw seperti menumpul. Mungkin karena gw lagi nggak jatuh cinta sama siapa-siapa. Well, bagusnya sih gw jadi ga perlu sering-sering nangis, berharap yang ga jelas, dan perasaan ga nyaman lainnya. 

Tapi gw sangat menantikan saat-saat gw bisa jatuh cinta lagi. Hope the day will come soon :)

Kono wa Atashi no Jinsei da

Days passed, but I'm going nowhere. Everyday's just the same, black and white, sometimes blue and gray.
When people try to pursue their dreams, what am I doing?
I'm here, waiting for something I don't even know when it will come. Just waiting and waiting.

World knows waiting is the most wasting thing in this life. But some say, waiting isn't really bad as long as we have faith on it. In other words, "Patience Trial", how long the person can bear with it.

Pressures come from anywhere, anyone, and anything. If I had no patience at all, maybe I'd give up already. I'm trying not to regard what my heart feels. I'm always pretending that everything is okay.

But, I try to ask my heart in this short conversation bellow. M abbreviated from "Me" and H is "My Heart".

M : Hey, are you okay right?

H  : Yeah, I'm o- *silent*

M :  ... why *startled* ?

H  : Can I cry?

M : *gasped and silent*

H  : Can... I... ? *tears filled her eyes already*

M : Please... don't. *trying hard to bear my tears from rolling down*

H  : The pressures come from anywhere and anyone.. Even someone you trusted the most before, start to look you down.. How can I stay strong and pretend that everything's okay?! *shivering*

M  : *sigh painfully* Well, then... Just crying...

H  : Is it okay? *look at me curiously and pity*
      How about you? You'll cry too, won't you?

M : I won't.

H  : Stupid. Then you'll be trying to stay strong as if everything went well?

M : By doing so, will it any better?

H  : *head down* You've hurt too right?

M : I'm badly hurt! *yelling but keep trying not to shed a single tear*

H  : So... Why?

M : Why? If I cry too, then who will try to lift myself up? I'll only worsen everything!

H : *silent* *tears started falling from her eyes*

M: It's okay, Heart. You're the one who needs to spill those tears.You're injured more than I am. So, it's fine... *sadly smile*

Then I lend my shoulder to her. She leans her head and sobbing.

H : Every time I cry, you always beside me. Then every time you cry, who is beside you?

M : *smile gently* No one, but God does.

H : Your friend?

M : *silent then sigh* I used to it, months ago. I used to cry in front of him, but indeed that's just making me weaker and weaker. Always depended on person and it seemed like emphasizing me that I could do nothing. And... I regretted it. *crossing mind to the past*

H : *stop crying but still sobbing without sound*

M : Somehow I wished, if only I'd never met him, maybe my life would've been better. But... *sigh*
      Do you ever really think why God sent someone to our life? God did it on purpose, even it hurt eventually.

H : You're tough.

M : Not at all. It's all just my charades. I'm fragile indeed. I'm really unreliable, sucked, dependable, crybaby... Every time I tried hard to be a good friend that would never bother my best friend. But I failed, all I did just non sense. I even didn't get any credit for my attempts. Yeah, I wasn't like them who always made him happy. I was just such a stubborn, reckless, and lazy human being. Less attempt for everything I pursued, lack of desires, tough-less. But I just had narrow mind that time. I always thought how to be a good friend for his sake, not for me personally. Sometimes I preferred hurting myself than hurting him. Maybe I was just too much...

H : Now everything seems so upside down..

M : Yeah. I have just realized that I've done something I shouldn't. But sacrificing isn't too bad right occasionally?

H : Masochist. And the one who injured the most is me. I've been disrupted since then, and you kept degrading me on and on.

M : *smile genuinely* Sorry. That's why I asked you to cry..

H : So, what will you do from now on? Your life is in a critical period right? It's clearly written on your face, you don't even have any goals for your future. You don't know what kind of work you should into it, and still, keep guessing who will be your spouse later.

M : Yes, actually, those questions keep spinning in my head. Living a life without purpose is not different from sailing boat without direction. We may get lost in times. I am right now similar to it. All I'm doing just imagining and wishing if my life will be better soon, without doing anything. Daydreaming all day long, having nightmare every time I sleep. Everyone keep figuring out how tomorrow will become, but I'm not. I just feel, even tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, or next week, I will still in my state, living my life plainly without a single color. Black and white, and I feel really suck right now. Everyday I have to listen and answer heart-widely what people might think about me. Really miserable.

*We both silent. I wanna cry a river, these things really hurt me more than ever. More than a heartbreak agony. It feels like all burdens come down into one. But still, I can't cry*

H : Your future is right before your eyes, you have to through it optimistically. Look at those disabled, they can't do everything they want due to their disability. Walking in a wheelchair, they can't move as freely as they want. Some of them have difficulties of speaking, seeing, or even breathing. They even afraid to face tomorrow. What if when they open their eyes, their body worsen? What if they can't open their eyes again once they try to close it? You have a healthy complete body, that's a God gift. You shouldn't surrender early. You just have to try hard a little bit more to achieve what you've been dreaming and be more grateful. They are not as lucky as you who can freely move, speak properly, and do many things independably. They often thought, why should be me? But nothing they could do, fate chose them. You have choice, they didn't. You have unlimited future, they didn't. But in one case they're better than you, they never give up on living their life although they have many limitations.

*silent*

M : I really want to cry indeed, because of my foolishness. I ignore my life, I let my days passed in vain. I'm healthy but I don't live my life faithfully. I feel like I'm sucker than they are...

H : So, would you stand up and stop complaining about how miserable you are?

M: I wish..

H : Just wish?

M: Hey, I thought you're the one who need some supports! But, I'm weaker than you apparently.

H : If you, the one who owns me, are not strong enough to continue living, how about me? The most fragile part of your body?

M: *head down* I'm trying...

H : So, let's find your purpose of living and stop torturing me!

M: *finally smiling* I will :)

H : By the way, one thing you have to keep in mind, your life is not as narrow as you thought. You can look it from many points of view. Then about the one who used to be your biggest agony... try to let go off him wholeheartedly. You'll find someone better in the end. Trust God, the greatest creator of our life!

M : *smiling* Thank you, Heart.

H : Then you owe me...

M : What? *smirking*

H : Promise me you'll never try to kill me with your heartbreak agony about that guy again!

M : *grinning* Yes, I promise.

H : Well then, go back to your life. If you break your vow, then I will not forgive you!

M: Yes, ma'am :D

-end-

From the conversation with Heart, one thing I should know is, my life now like a white plain canvas. I can put any colors into it. Red, green, yellow, pink, purple, blue...

Yeah, this is my life. I won't let anyone interrupt it. No matter what people say, I have to continue on living and pursuing my dreams.

Platonic Friendship?

Platonic Friendship? What kind of thing that was?

(before reading the explanation bellow, click the following link Obvious - Westlife as theme song for this note)

Well, platonic friendship atau bahasa Indonesianya persahabatan platonik adalah persahabatan yang terjadi antara dua manusia berbeda gender atau gampangnya persahabatan antara seorang laki-laki dan perempuan. 

Sebenarnya normal-normal aja kalau kalian punya persahabatan model seperti ini, tapi mungkin yang kebanyakan orang-orang khawatirkan adalah munculnya perasaan lebih dari sahabat (atau bisa dikatakan cinta-red) yang dialami oleh salah satu maupun keduanya. Banyak kasus persahabatan ini berujung pada cinta yang berbalas maupun one-sided love. Kalau akhirnya happy ending dengan arti kedua sahabat itu finally plunged into the deep abyss named love, itu ga akan jadi masalah. Tapi untuk kasus one-sided love banyak berujung pada perpecahan sahabat itu sendiri atau kalaupun persahabatan itu masih bisa survive, akan ada korban perasaan dari pihak yang jatuh cinta ke sahabatnya itu. Dia lebih milih mati-matian memperjuangkan nama persahabatan dengan membunuh perasaannya sendiri. 

Tapi intinya kembali kepada individu masing-masing, bagaimana cara mereka menyikapi persahabatan platonik itu. Mereka harus tetap punya batasan-batasan. Memang gampang-gampang susah untuk tetap menjaga perasaan masing-masing tanpa dicampuri perasaan lebih dari perasaan sayang ke sahabat, kadangkala sekuat apapun kita bertahan pada pendirian (baca: gw ga akan nih jatuh cinta sama sahabat gw sendiri!), tapi hati manusia ga ada yang tau kan kedepannya? Tuhan maha membolak-balikan perasaan. Ditambah lagi dengan "rasa saling percaya" karena sama-sama tau rahasia masing-masing.

Gw dapet referensi dari salah satu buku, katanya "Hati kita bisa berkhianat, menipu, membutakan kita terhadap motif kita yang sebenarnya. Dan apakah kita benar-benar tahu persis bagaimana perasaan teman kita terhadap diri kita?"

Inget, hati itu bagian tubuh yang paling complicated, yang paling susah untuk diajak kerjasama. Jadi sekeras apapun kita berusaha men-deny kalau kita ga akan terperangkap kedalam lubang yang bernama "cinta", hati ga akan pernah bisa dibohongin. 

Gimana agar kita nggak terlibat kedalam cinta platonik itu?

Buku itu menyarankan, "Jangan terlalu percaya pada diri sendiri. Hindari pernyataan-pernyataan kasih sayang yang tidak pantas atau berduaan dalam keadaan romantis. Bila ada kesulitan, ungkapkan ini kepada orang-orang yang lebih dewasa, bukan kepada teman sebaya lawan jenis".

So, what if we have caught up in the middle of that platonic love? Especially for the one-sided love?

Kalau kita udah mati-matian berusaha untuk menjaga perasaan, tapi nyatanya perasaan sepihak itu tetap muncul, one thing that we should do is: say honestly! Straightforwardly!

Tapi kalau itu dianggap ga menyelesaikan masalah, kita sebaiknya 'jaga jarak' dengan dia untuk membatasi perasaan itu berkembang lebih dalam lagi. But the best of all is, say the truth. Percaya deh berkata jujur akan membuat dia jauh lebih menerima ketimbang terus menutup-nutupi kenyataannya. Atau kalau menurut buku itu (The Friendship Factor),

“Menyingkirlah bila perlu. Kadang-kadang, seberapa banyak pun kita berusaha, persabahatan dengan lawan jenis tak dapat dikendalikan dan kita tahu ke mana arah perkembangannya.” Maka, pada saat itulah kita harus “mundur.”.

Kalimat terakhir sebenernya terdengar kejam ya, tapi mungkin itu yang terbaik untuk kita sendiri maupun persahabatan kita itu. Satu hal yang pasti, perasaan ga bisa dibohongi dan ga bisa diatur. Ia bergerak sendiri dengan begitu lincah tanpa mendengarkan pemiliknya. 

So, kalau kalian ada yang pernah terlibat persahabatan platonik, mungkin kalian punya cara masing-masing untuk mencegahnya menjadi cinta platonik. Skenario terburuk dari cinta platonik yang tak diinginkan adalah rusaknya persahabatan yang telah dibangun selama beberapa waktu, malah mungkin hitungan tahun. Tapi ingatlah, sebaiknya kalian jangan gegabah mengambil keputusan untuk meninggalkan persahabatan yang telah kalian bangun itu, karena kehilangan sahabat rasanya bagai kehilangan beberapa bagian tubuh kita. Just imagine, saat badan kita ga dilengkapi dengan tangan atau kaki, atau even jari-jari yang ga lengkap. Begitu pula saat kehilangan sahabat.

Anyway, yeah, somehow kalau perasaan complicated itu makin mendominasi, mungkin pergi menjauh menjadi solusi yang terbaik. Because life's full of choices and we have to choose even it might hurt us :)

We started as friends

But something happened inside me

Now I'm reading into everything

But there's no sign you hear the lightning, baby

You don't ever notice me turning on my charm

Or wonder why I'm always where you are

I've made it obvious

Done everything but sing it

(I've crushed on you so long, but on and on you get me wrong)

I'm not so good with words

And since you never notice

The way that we belong

I'll say it in a love song

I've heard you talk about

(Heard you talk about)

How you want someone just like me (Bryan echo: just like me)

But everytime I ask you out

(Time I ask you out)

We never move pass friendly, no no

And you don't ever notice how I stare when we're alone

Or wonder why I keep you on the phone

I've made it obvious

So finally I'll sing it

(I've crushed on you so long)

I'm not so good with words

And since you never notice

The way that we belong

I'll say it in a love song

And sing it until the day you're holding me

I've wanted you so long but on and on you get me wrong

I more then adore you but since you never seem to see

But you never seem to see

I'll say it in this love song

I'm Through With Love

I put away your photograph 

And turn out all the lights 

But I can’t seem to make myself forget 

’cause every time I close my eyes 

And see your face again 

I realize that’s all that I have left 

I’m through with love 

I’m through with pain 

Don’t wanna feel that way again 

’cause if you’re gone for good 

I’ll never be the same 

I thought that what we had was real 

But maybe I’m a fool 

Who only sees the things he wants to see 

’cause it seems that when I need you most 

I find myself alone 

And I know that’s not the way love’s supposed to be 

I’m through with love 

And sad goodbyes 

Can’t take the lows 

Don’t want those highs 

This heart needs time to mend 

I’m through with love, my friend 

Well, maybe someday if the feeling comes again 

I won’t remember how it hurt but until then 

I’m through with love 

I’m through with pain 

Don’t wanna feel that way again 

’cause if you’re gone for good 

I’ll never be the same 

I’m through with love 

And sad goodbyes 

Can’t take the lows 

Don’t want those highs 

This heart needs time to mend 

’cause if we’ve reached the end 

Till I can feel again 

I’m through with love, my friend 

(I'm Through With Love, Eric Carmen)

What do you think people when you read that lyric? Especially for the one-sided love?

Gw baru dapet referensi lagu bagus itu dari salah satu sahabat gw, Cyndi. Dan reaksi yang muncul pertama kali setelah dengerin dan baca liriknya, tanpa sadar air mata gw menetes, ditambah lagi perasaan gw emang lagi rada sensitif dari tadi siang, jadi langsung ngerasa kalau lagu ini "It's so me! Oh my Gosh!"

Yap, ketemu dengan lo bagai pisau bermata dua, you'd give me happiness, yet sadness.

Lo datang dengan tiba-tiba dan ngerubah hampir semua hidup gw dan ngasih gw sesuatu yang nggak pernah gw milikin sebelumnya. Tapi tiba-tiba lo pergi, dan luka yang lo tinggalin jauh lebih perih dari luka tersayat-sayat. Gw coba move on, tapi lagi-lagi bayangan lo nggak pernah lepas dari pikiran gw. Bahkan saat gw udah tenang dan nggak mau tau tentang lo lagi, selalu aja ada alasan buat kembali mengorek luka lama itu.

Gw capek, capek akan semuanya. Lo bikin gw takut untuk nyoba jatuh cinta dengan orang lain atau kembali ngebuka hati gw untuk orang lain. Karena gw takut pada akhirnya kisah gw akan berakhir sama.

This heart needs time to mend.

Yes, I only need more time, not to forget you but to love somebody else. Hope it will come sooner. Aamiin.